Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
