I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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