so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
