I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
