Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
