is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
