So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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