I wish my penis had an off switch
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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