We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
