i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
