I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You smell like stripper and shame
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
