Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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