she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You pole danced in your parka.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
