I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
