My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
