True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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