after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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