he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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