It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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