when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
