I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
