Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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