Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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