all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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