Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
