So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm passing your future prison.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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