My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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