well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
