pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
