Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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