dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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