And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
