So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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