You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
