roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
