Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
