Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
