I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
