No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
