I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
