this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
