there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
