Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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