i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
