You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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