margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
