she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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