i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
