is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
