My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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