Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
